5th week of the quarter is coming up and I feel like I've barely become engaged in any of my classes. The only one I'm interested in is my Marriage and Families course. Stats will always be hell, though I have a midterm this week, so I desperately need to study. I never got my textbooks for my Soc 3 class, so I feel like I'm going to get a bad grade in that class because I have no idea what's going on besides the lectures. My discussion for that class is pointless, they review, but in the way that just discusses things. It seems relevant to outside world information, but having taken many upper division classes already, I don't think it's useful to me. Luckily, he didn't take attendance when I skipped discussion last week. *whew* As for my last class, Intro to American Government, it's just like AP Gov. That just gives me the mentality of being a know-it-all, or at least having heard all the information before. I didn't buy the textbook for this class either and am just trying to take extremely good notes. Hope that works out, we'll find out after the midterm scores are released.

What else is going on in life? Work makes me so tired. Basically, I have work in the morning, meaning I have to wake up at 7am every day. Then usually half an hour to an hour after work, I go straight to class. Mondays, I end class at 3, then back to work until 5. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I end class at 5. Wednesdays, I end early at 11am. Fridays I have no class. I feel like those free days are barely free days for me. I just use them to get rest, but I don't actually doing anything productive on those days. I wish I did, but I'm so tired from MTTh. I can't imagine doing the 9-5 schedule in the "real world," but I guess that's another reason I'm still in college and appreciating how easy I have it, no matter how tired I get.

I killed my iPod Touch a few days ago. It dropped in the toilet (clean water!) and the function to touch is now void. My poor iPod. It works fine except for that absolutely necessary function. Sigh. I hate how I always try to take care of my possessions, but one little thing or one quick accident fucks everything over. It always happens to me that way. I still have my iPod nano, which I can use for music, and I have my iPad, which I can use for apps, but I just miss all that free apps I got on that iTouch and all my scores are all gone. Petty, but they will still be missed.

I need to fill out the application to apply for board secretary tonight. After presidential results came in, I was wondering if I should still do board or not. It's just going to feel different from what I'd imagined. I don't even know if anyone is running against me. I ultimately decided I'd run regardless because I still want to carry out my vision for secretary. I want to be able to plan Semi-Formal and be actively involved in making a difference in Kababayan.

Searching for a place to live next year is proving tiresome and difficult. Arman said they didn't find a place until June/July, but it's scary to not know where I'm living! Every time we try to find a place in the specific area we want, it's either been swooped, or the person doesn't want that many people living there, or they don't want college students. So frustrating, but just got to keep pushing. I'm pretty sure if it comes down to it, we'd live with randoms, but we really want our own place! :(

Misc.: Trying to save up for a Disneyland Pass is hard. I don't want my parents paying for any of my outside expenses anymore, so that includes food, books, etc. I've found I'm bad at managing my money when it comes to food. Since I'm really tired all the time, and my schedule is so packed, I barely have time to prepare food for lunch or dinner. Thus, I spend money on food when I shouldn't. How am I ever going to get a pass at this rate? I literally cannot spend anything if I'm going to get a pass in two weeks when my next payday is. I also want to try saving up for a new iPod Touch, since I don't want to tell my parents it broke. I don't want them to buy me one, I feel like it's a waste, especially since we're planning on me having a car next fall. THAT'S a lot of money out the window already. :\ Why must everything cost so much? I feel so bad for everything - my education, future car, etc.

I was at Relay for Life yesterday. I wasn't planning on staying that long, but I ended up doing so anyways. Right before Iluminaria, two girls told their stories of how cancer touched their lives. I was just making a rubber ball the whole time because I didn't want to fully give my attention. I didn't want to tear up and remember that my mom had cancer too. I didn't want to grasp the fact that I'm not fully giving my heart into it because I still don't want to believe that she ever had it. I'm so grateful that she's still alive and in remission, but I always regret never being there enough for her. I wasn't the emotional doting daughter. I was the emotional teenager that came home every day, hoping she was okay, but never knew how to express my feelings into something she could appreciate. So when I broke the glowstick when they said "...for your mother.." it was kind of an eye-opener. It was the very first on the list, so it was sudden. It made me feel self-conscious cause I was one of the first to break their sticks. I don't know if anyone saw it, and I don't voice my mother's experience to others very often. I wanted to tell her all this when I called her today, but it slipped my mind again. It just didn't feel the right time. I think I'm going to end up writing it in her mother's day card. Hopefully I can find the words by then.

One last thing: I hate the hypocrisy of some situations. How I can feel one way on one end of the situation, but feel exactly opposite on the other. I'm really big on consistency, but I guess one thing about being human and having emotions is that they're not consistent. They're this one huge mess that manages to grab you with different emotions at different times for very little reason. Anyways, I just wanted to say that as a precursor to me saying that I miss my boyfriend dearly and I wish our lives weren't so mismatched at the moment.

I think it's the feeling that one person can make so many connections with people and seemingly rub it in your face. But that's not what's really going on. And there's nothing wrong with that. But then you start to feel like the connections are with the people you've been striving to connect with. And it's like your territory is being attacked. But it's not like that. Who said I could have a monopoly on friends or potential friends.

But it's the feeling that I've felt lonely before and the desire for affirmation that kills me inside. Because the person can elicit affirmation from so many more people. And you feel useless and plain and just all around friendless.

Why can't I be more confident?

Is it because people always tell me I'm cute, which associates me with small and helpless and childish? Is it that my voice doesn't sound as grown up as I want it to be, or is the other way around and my lack of confidence contributes to my small voice and my meek personality and indecisive nature?

That's not even me all of the time. I can be confident. I can have an opinion. I can feel beautiful and as old as I am. But those times when I don't just plague my mind and take control. I let it get to me.

How do I go about fixing this?